When I say I love you, you say you better

Well boys....2008 is quickly drawing to a close. Sage, your first six months were certainly eventful. Seth, year 4 has been an experience. Hopefully year 5 will be slightly less exhausting. I beg of you.

It was a tough year for your dad on many fronts. Even though I'm old as dirt and like to pretend I have it all figured out, I flounder through just like everyone else. My goal for 2009 is a daunting one. I want to do everything better. Never one to set the bar too high, right? What I mean is that I want to improve. Whatever I do, I don't want to accept mediocrity. I want to do it better. I'm trying to get more organized, more focused, more centered. I'll let you know how it goes. What I do know is that I want more. Not because I'm greedy or materialistic but because I know I can do better.

Part of that improvement is to be a better dad to you guys. You mean the absolute world to me and I know I can do better with you. I want to give you everything you need in life. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own ”stuff“ that I become clouded and have trouble seeing what is vital in the world. You guys are that for me. You have my pledge to do better.

I love you very, very much.

Dad

Headline from "You Better, You Bet" by The Who, 1981

Take my hand, please help me man, 'cause I'm looking for something to believe in

We live in a world of personal injustices. It's a sad fact. There are those that choose to live a life void of understanding, empathy, and compassion. The needs of others simply don't matter. Selfishness is an ugly, ugly quality. Don't allow it to define you as so many others have.

As you continue to develop the ideologies that will define you as men in this world, make sure never to surrender your ideals to those who will try to rob you of them. There are those that will try to force their own self-serving ideals on you and make you feel that you are wrong for your beliefs. They will use many methods to attempt to break you and conform to their view of how you should be, think, and act. Believe in yourself and the things that are important to you. There is nothing more unbreakable in this world than a man fighting for a cause that he truly believes in. That being said, the portrait of a confident, principled man is one that will revile those that seek to tear you apart. It terrifies people because it makes them look at themselves and perhaps see the fact that they are wrong. People hate being wrong so much that they will do everything in their power to not have to address that possibility.

It is my hope that you both develop into passionate men. Passionate in the sense of having a set of core beliefs that define you and defending those ideals to all the attackers who will most certainly try to beat you down for having them. Don't accept others definitions of “how things are.” Make things how you want them to be. You have the power to create the life you want and no one can take that from you. Don't let them.

A strong man is not defined by how much he can bench press. Instead it is by the determination he displays in seeking to make justice out of injustice. Righting the wrongs. Taking a stand for what you believe in will make you admired by some, hated by others. No way around that. Some people view a strong man as a threat and will set about to destroy him. Stay true to what you believe in and they don't stand a chance against you. Allow yourself to be open to others' opinions and be man enough to admit when yours turn out to be wrong. That is the trait of a great man.

My family comes before all else. Before my personal needs, my career, my country....God. That may not be the order that the bible speaks of, but it is mine. I cannot and will not become complacent when it comes to my family. As a young man growing up, I often felt lost and was searching for the ideals that would define my life. Family is it for me. It is how I hope to be remembered. I used to think success, money and “things” defined a man but I have come to learn that that is a myth conjured up by some ad exec on Madison Avenue.

I love you guys with all of my heart and will fight for you until my last breath. To those who would wish to attack you....you better bring your “A” game. And then some.

Love,
Dad

Headline from "Something to Believe In" by The Ramones, 1986

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

This week our country did something that I didn't think I'd see in my lifetime. Maybe in yours. We elected an African-American President of the United States. Barack Obama will become our 44th President on January 20, 2009.

We live in a country divided. White and black, rich and poor, have and have-nots. It's been that way for my entire life. But this one man was able to do something no one else before him could do. He was able to bring the two sides together, even if it was for only historic night this past Tuesday. Our country is in such a state of disarray that we as a people were willing to take a chance. We are in need of help and we were in no position as a country to deny the best candidate for change that we had in front of us simply due to the color of his skin. So we did something unprecedented in an attempt to make the lives of our citizens better. To make our country stronger. To restore our reputation and our pride. Whether or not any individual in this country agrees or disagrees with Barack Obama the man....Bravo on the decision to better ourselves regardless of our past beliefs and stigmas. We took a step forward as a nation Tuesday night. And as a society.

I hope that we look back four years or eight years from now and find ourselves in a better place. My gut tells me we will. Regardless of the GNP, the unemployment rate or the level of the Dow at the end of Obama's term, we have improved ourselves as a people. Let's keep it going. The writers of the Constitution would have been proud. I am. Regardless of how one voted on November 4, 2008, it was a good day to be an American and there haven't been a lot of those lately.

Headline from "Changes" by David Bowie, 1971

The First Cut is the Deepest

Sunday is a day I won't soon forget. Seth...You took a spill down the stairs at Miss Jodie's house and split a big gash in your cheek. It was nasty. Mom & Jodie took you to the emergency room and I drove like a madman down from our house. When I got there I wasn't prepared for what I saw. You were screaming in pain as three people were trying to hold you down while the doctor gave you shots on the cut to numb it. Oh man...not my boy. I tried to console you and assure you that this would be over soon but the combination of fear and pain was too strong for you to calm down. I laid down across your body to help hold you down. I held your hands and urged you to squeeze them as hard as you could. Take it out on me. I'll take all the pain you want to transfer to me. That's what a dad does. It took forever, or so it seemed. I can say without reservation that this was one of the more horrible experiences I have ever had in my life. You'll understand it one day when you have kids of your own. Their pain is your pain. Your pain was most certainly my pain. The doctor finally got you stitched up. My story from here on out will be that it was my piercing glare at the doctor that got him to do such a good job. It was a “Sew my son's face wrong and I'll rip your throat out” stare. Your dad can tend to be a bit intense in these situations.

You came through it like a trooper. A sweaty, exhausted trooper, but a trooper nonetheless. By the next morning you had your strength back and except for the black eye and swelling seemed to be your old self. Gonna take more than that to slow you down. Plus I think it sank in that chicks dig scars.

In the scheme of your life this event will prove insignificant more than likely. You will have so many things that are more important and unfortunately, sometimes more painful. But to me, it's something that will stay with me. I can't describe the feeling in any way except “Please God, make it stop.” I love you, my son, with all that I am. Always will, unconditionally. Scars and all.

Headline from "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Rod Stewart, 1977 (originally by Cat Stevens, 1967)

And I am lost, and I can't even say why

Each day gets a little closer to normal life. The realization now that my business will survive and I will continue to be able to provide for my family is a reassurance that was missing four weeks ago. I'm still struggling to balance work, family, health and all of the many, many pressures of daily life. But I'm getting there. I think.

I want so much for you guys. Your success in life, however that is defined, is of utmost importance to me as I'm sure it is to your Mom. Sage...you got your second round of vaccinations yesterday and man, they hurt didn't they? Your pain is our pain. If I could take those shots for you I would without hesitating. Seth...my wise, oh so insightful, keep me on my toes, amazing son...you're trying hard to find your way. I see it. Keep working and you'll see incredible results. This world can be a challenging one. One that sometimes kicks you square in the teeth. But it can also afford you highs that make those occasional kicks tolerable. You have the world before you. Grab it. So few actually do.

I'm trying to grab it myself. I've never been one to settle. Settling is for the weak. Yes, my bar is set high. But I don't want to be the guy who accepts what life hands me. Nope. I'm taking what I can and reaching for what I'm told that I can't have. Don't let others define what you can have and what you cannot. They don't know what you're capable of and those statements come from their own fears.

Occasionally in life you both will feel lost. It's OK to feel this way as long as you keep your map open. (Maps are what we used to use to find our way before GPS.) You'll need to refer to it often to keep yourself on track. Don't lose sight of your destination. Many obstacles will try to block the path to your goals but obstacles are meant to be overcome. They are merely tests put before us to make sure we appreciate the destination once we get there.

Headline from "I Am, I Said" by Neil Diamond, 1971

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane

It's been a while in between posts. The reason is that our world got turned upside down starting on September 11th. That was the day we packed up and headed to Dallas to escape the potential wrath of a hurricane named Ike. At the time, my thought was "We'll probably lose power and it might be really windy and scare the kids...so let's skip out of town." Well, as it turned out, Ike slammed right into Houston creating more than just a little wind. In a nutshell, it sucked. Yeah, it really sucked. We lost power at home fro 16 days. 16 days. Not something I'd like to do again. Ike was kind enough to tear the roof off your Dad's business and we came back to find about four inches of water on the floor and the place smelling like a sewer. It was some kind of month. I can honestly say that I have never worked so hard, under so much pressure. It was the first time I can remember not being in control of a situation. Some insight...I don't do well in those situations. But we got through it, all of us. Your mom did a great job taking care of you guys and leaving me to deal with what I had on my plate. We're not done yet...we're still rebuilding the chocolate company and it'll be a few more weeks until things return to normal there. But we're getting there.

Amidst the destruction, turmoil, frustration, anxiety, stress, and hopelessness of the situation we found ourselves in, I was amazed at the sense of community that I saw especially amongst our neighbors. Everyone went out of their way to help each other. It was one of those things that restores your faith in your fellow man. In times of adversity we can still come together. There is hope after all.

I hope we never again have to go through anything like this. I underestimated it and I don't do that often. I will tell you this...if there's a next time...guess which family is gonna have the kick-ass hurricane preparedness kit on the block. You guessed it.

Headline from "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions, 1984

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

As I write this, we are in Dallas as a result of Hurricane Ike's uninvited arrival in Houston. Sage, this is your first evacuation and it is your brother's second one. We had to do this back in 2005 due to Hurricane Rita which luckily veered away from Houston and spared the city. Ike is not being so kind. It's beating up our city as I sit here writing this.

We got here two days ago and it's been a bit of a challenge. You guys are doing your best but it's hard to be holed up in a hotel room, I know. Yesterday we went to the site where President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. Seth, you are too young to understand the magnitude of this right now but it was a terrible, terrible event in American history. This was the first time I have seen this infamous area and it was surreal for me to be there. I hope there is a day in the future when people don't feel the need to kill each other for whatever "cause" they think they are furthering. I fear this will not be the case, but there is always hope that we can pull together as a society and simply exist peacefully one day.

As the hurricane makes it way through Houston it is heading north but will weaken a lot. Yes, where we are right now is North and we are expecting ugly weather here as well. Nothing like what Houston is getting hit with but let's just say we won't be playing outside this weekend. Hopefully we can head back home in the next couple of days and things will be as good as possible when we return. "Things" can be replaced...houses, cars, computers...it's the really important things in life that we need to protect and mourn their loss. That is precisely why we are here right now. You boys and your mother are the irreplaceable things in my life and the only ones that I will fight to the death to protect. The rest we can fix.

I love the three of you. And even though I'm not always the best in situations like these, never doubt my unconditional love for you. I'm far from perfect, but my love for you is unwavering.

Dad

Headline from "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan, 1963

So make the best of this test and don't ask why... it's not a question but a lesson learned in time

Yesterday was a good day Seth. I know you have it in you. You know you are capable of it. You have talents and a sense of deep understanding at such a young age... it's staggering to think what you'll be able to accomplish if you set your mind to it.

We read a book last night and laughed out loud. I told you my infamous Indian Guides' kite story and you listened intently.

This morning I mentioned that one of the locations on Dora the Explorer's route, "The Winter Palace" in Russia was a place that your mother and I have been to. You asked if you were there and I responded "No, that was before you were born." Your response... "I was in your eye," referring to the expression "a glimmer in my eye" I've said to you before. You proceeded to make my vegetable juice for me. Something you should probably be at least 5 before you start doing...but what the heck.

Today you made me smile.

Headline from "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day, 1997

Even after everything you put me through... I still believe in you

Dear Seth,

We're going through a tough time, son. You're striving to define yourself in this world and in the process you're stumbling some. As your dad, this has been very difficult on me. I am trying my best to instill in you the qualities, morals, and beliefs that I think will help you later in life. I didn't get them when I was your age and it hurt me. I so don't want to hurt you the same way. I know you have the capacity to achieve anything. You are so much stronger than I was at your age. You have the inner qualities that will take you wherever you want to go in life. People naturally gravitate to you. That is a trait that you either have or you don't. You have it.

I'm suffering inside because I feel like I am failing you. You mean everything to me and your success is so much more important than my own. I will sacrifice whatever I need to to ensure you do not falter. You're that important to me.

We will try some new ideas in the coming weeks. I'm not losing you boy. No retreat baby, no surrender.

The headline above is from a man named Robert Hazard, who wrote the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" back in the 80's for Cyndi Lauper. Robert Hazard died on Tuesday of this week. I thought the heartfelt lyrics to his song posted below were especially poignant in light of his passing.

I love you Seth.

Dad

Headline from "I Still Believe In You" by Robert Hazard, 2007

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking

Pressure in life comes in many forms. There is the pressure of providing for your family financially. There is also the daily pressure of trying to make a business successful. Keeping a marriage happy and healthy... more pressure, thank you. Raising kids in a scary, scary world. Pressure with an extra scoop of stress.

So what are we to do? How does a person cope will all of the pressure and stresses that are thrown our way on a daily basis? Well, I wish I had an easy answer for that one. My only advice is to stay as grounded as possible. By that, I mean doing what you are capable of, setting realistic expectations and keeping focused on the big picture. "Wow, Dad...that's a lot of cliches!"

This has been an especially stressful period in my life from a number of areas. I have to focus on you guys and your mom and stay on track with the things I'm trying to do with my business. You'll need to do the same kind of introspective focusing when life hands you more than you think you can handle. It doesn't. Life gives you what you CAN handle. There are always going to be obstacles, but it is the way you deal with them - the way you overcome adversity that will define you.

I'm reading my words as I write them. I know these things to be true but that doesn't make it any easier when it feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. My main purpose for keeping this journal for you guys is to teach you some life lessons. That doesn't mean that your Dad doesn't have a thing or two to still learn. By giving you this guidance I also come away learning something. And that's a good thing.

Headline from "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie, 1981

Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing. Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

It's been an eventful three weeks which hopefully explains the lack of entries. Sage Logan Wayne joined our family on June 12th and now we are a foursome. Our family is complete! It was quite an entry you made, boy. Couldn't have waited another week like we had planned, huh? I guess that'll teach us not to include your input in future planning meetings.

It's taking some time for us all to get adjusted and I think given the circumstances we're all performing remarkably well. Sage, you are amazing. You exude a peaceful calm that finds its way into me whenever I look at you. You are truly a miracle. I know this "break-in" period has been rough in spots, but you are handling it like a pro.

Seth, my wiser-than-wise partner in crime. You make me proud to be your father. You are handling the rigors of being a four-year-old while at the same time showing a sense of love and compassion for your new brother that is far, far beyond your years. Never lose that sensitivity. It will take you anywhere you want to go in life. But it's still good to have a little Bad Boy in you though.

My beautiful wife...wow. You have been a rock. I marvel at how you have been handling the demands on you. I could stare for hours at the way you look at Sage. The absolute definition of unconditional love personified. Thank you for what you bring to my life and to our family.

So now we are complete. And we begin this journey together to see where life takes the Wayne family. Knowing the four of us, it won't be an uneventful one. Are you guys ready? I know I am...with my Dream Team at my side. I love you all more than any blog post could ever begin to express.

Headline from "Thank You Lord" by Bob Marley, 1973


(NOT Bob Marley in the video, if you weren't sure...)

And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.

Welcome to the world, my son. It's a better one today with you in it.

I Love...Little Girls

Let me set the scene. I had just finished reading with Seth..."There's a Wocket in my Pocket". A literary gem. We turned off the light for quiet time and laid there silently for a minute. Seth breaks the silence by saying "I love girls." "Which girls?" I ask inquisitively. "All the girls," Seth responds. So I take a second to process this revelation and ask him "Why do you love all the girls?" He answers, "They give me hearts in my eyes and in my chest." Holy smokes...my four-year-old just hit puberty.

And so begins the journey, my son. You will spend the rest of your life trying to please these creatures called girls. You'll also spend the rest of your life trying to figure them out. Don't. You can't. They are not like us. They don't think like us, they don't talk like us, they surely don't rationalize like us. They do smell really good though. Therein lies the rub. Once you get the bug, there's no turning back. You'll plan your day around girls. You'll make decisions where to attend college based on girls. You'll get in fights over girls. You'll pull your hair out over girls. You'll stay at a crummy job because of the girls. You'll pick out your car based on which one will most help you get girls. You'll someday smash a cell phone because of girls.

They do smell really good though.

Headline from "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo, 1981

Once you had a dream that you realized, but do you know what matters?

It's been a stressful couple of weeks as we await the arrival of Master Sage. Less than three weeks to go. Wow. Seems like we were just finding out about you and now you're almost here. Can't wait to meet you, my son. Your room is ready for you and I think the three of us...your mother, me, and your big bro are as prepared as we are going to get.

I'm looking forward to the small things...Seth sitting next to you on the couch explaining the interpersonal dynamics of the cast of Scooby-Doo, you falling asleep on my chest on the couch, and the look in your Mom's eyes when she holds you. You see, a lot of people think "things" are going to make them happy in life. A faster car, a bigger house, a better salary. But those things are just that. Things. They come and go in one's lifetime. But it's the stuff you can't actually buy that makes it so much more valuable. Never let the pursuit of the tangibles outweigh your attainment of the intangibles. You'll thank me for this advice one day. Until then, you'll still want "the toys". I guess you have me to thank for that as well.

Headline from "What Matters" by Matthew Sweet, 1999

Dreaming is Free

I don't know if most people that know your father would label me as a dreamer. You see, I tend to be rather a realist in my actions and in the way I present myself to others. But lying underneath this layer of pragmatism is someone who does in fact dare to dream. I guess it's part of my nature to strive for more in life and rather than being cynical about things that are out of my reach at this moment, I dream about the attainment and design the course to achieve whatever it is that I want. I don't want to be in a world without dreamers. Your dreams are what lead to your successes.

My life has been a series of successes, failures, challenges and dreams. As I learned to accept myself, failures and all, a funny thing happened along the way. My dreams started to become reality. Funny, that. I always wondered if I didn't have those dreams...would they have ever come true. I can't say for sure.

Dare to dream. It's what makes it fun to get out of bed each morning. And when you look around and see the faces of what is important to you...there will never be a question as to whether or not it was all worth it. It is.

Headline from "Dreaming" by Blondie, 1979

Honesty Is Hardly Ever Heard, And Mostly What I Need From You

The world today is very different from when I grew up...and it will likely be even more different when you boys become adults. It's hard not to become cynical and distrustful when it seems like everyone around you has an ulterior motive. Whatever happened to simply telling the truth? Why must everything be sensationalized nowadays? There was an old saying that "if it's in print, it must be true." Today this is a farce. Honesty is a lost trait in our society.

This does not however mean that it is OK to join the fray of liars, exaggeraters, snake oil salesmen, and sensationalists. Honesty is something that has become so rare, that it has become one of the most admirable qualities an individual can have.

Be honest with your family and they will respect you and value your words and actions. Be honest with your customers in business and they will come back again and again. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Be true to what you believe and never allow the temptation to undermine who you are. If I can say that I raised two honest boys...I will know I did well.

Headline from "Honesty" by Billy Joel, 1978

Talk is Cheap, and Those Rumors Ain't Nice...

No deep philosophical ideologies today boys. Just wanted to share a bit of good ol' rock n' roll from a band that served as your Father's transition band into the music nut he is today. In 1978, at the ripe age of 13, I first heard a band out of Illinois called Cheap Trick. To this loyal member of the Kiss Army, it was a sound like I had never heard before. There was revolution in the music world going on in England and in small dingy clubs in NY and LA but I wouldn't be exposed to this new sound for a couple of years yet. But Cheap Trick was something very new to me. Their sound was explosive and urgent. It signaled a clear change in the musical landscape and an end to the music of the 70's as the world knew it.

Anyways...on the way to work this morning, head spinning with the uber-responsibilities of a 40-something dad about to have his world turned upside down by Boy #2, Cheap Trick's "Dream Police" fires off those unmistakable opening drum beats. THIS...is what music was made for. To completely take you away to another place. Music serves to mark a time in life. An event. Good times, bad times. But it stirs an emotion. It makes you feel alive.

For three or so minutes your conservative Dad cranked that radio and rocked. Yup, the other drivers figured I was having a meltdown. Who cares. I'm 14 and I'm drivin' a car! Woo-Hoo!

Without further ado...I give you Cheap Trick.

Headline from "Dream Police" by Cheap Trick, 1979

And It Was All Yellow

This morning Seth wakes me up and before firing up the TV says "C'mon Dad, let's pee at the same time." And a blog topic was born. As you most probably know by the time you read this, boys pee standing up. Girls, sitting down. God made it this way because we men don't have time to waste coppin' a squat to pee. We have things to do...places to be. For example, go to any sporting event and check out the line for the ladies' room. No...not acceptable. Hence the creation of the pee trough. We men take a place at the pee trough and get down to business. Remember the rules of the pee trough: 1) Never let arms touch with the guy next to you. 2) Never get caught sizing up the competition. 3) Farting is not only accepted, but encouraged.

You'll never be more thankful for the ability to pee standing up than you will at any street festival. Let's face it...as nasty as us guys can be, those porta-potties are just foul. Another perk is the ability to write your name in the snow. Chicks simply can't pull this one off. We kept your names to four letters each to maximize your ability to sign your name on command. We almost considered naming one of you boys Sebastian. You would have needed a Big Gulp for that one.

So as I stood next to you this morning, being men, I made a mental note to impart the cardinal rule of sharing a bowl. Never, and I mean never, let your streams cross. You know what happened in Ghostbusters.


Headline from "Yellow" by Coldplay, 2000

No Retreat, Baby, No Surrender

Too many people allow life to lead them instead of them leading their life. Life does not always hand you what you want. It's a constant struggle to achieve what you want. This is not meant to be demoralizing. Quite the opposite actually, my young padawans. You can achieve ANYTHING you want in this world. Not always easily, but always achievable. In this country we are privileged to have unlimited opportunity. Never take this opportunity for granted because in many parts of the world opportunity does not exist. All the desire and determination can still leave you wondering where your next meal is coming from.

I've been told I set my bar too high. That means I set goals that are difficult to achieve. So? Who wants to bend down for a low bar anyway? Set your goals high my sons but allow yourselves to fall short sometimes. Without sometimes falling short, how can you know where to set your next bar? A quote I'll always remember is that if you don't fail sometimes, you aren't trying hard enough. There is nothing wrong with failing. Failing is a part of succeeding.

You boys have been given a huge gift. The gift of opportunity. Make the most of it in everything you do. You can achieve whatever it is you set your minds to. Just strive to be the best at whatever that is. I don't care if it's to be the best librarian or the best bowler or the best father...simply be the best you can. And you'll never regret a moment of your lives.

Headline from "No Surrender" by Bruce Springsteen, 1984

Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

This is a journal for my boys. It's something I set out to do for my first son, Seth, but failed miserably in keeping up with my writings. To be exact, I had three entries. But this time around I'm doing it in blog form instead of on paper, so I'm fooling myself into thinking things will be better.

So what's with the title? Well, it's something my 3-3/4 year old has taken to say when describing the two of us. That's right, kiddo. We are the bad boys of rock n' roll. And soon to be a power trio. From Day One, I exposed Seth to a world of music beyond that of the average infant. He was doin' the "Cretin Hop" to the Ramones before he knew what a Wiggle was. Next came his introduction to ska, and it was love at first skank. From there we moved into some of the classics from Daddy's metal years and "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest became our official anthem. Heck, it's even the ringtone on my phone when his school calls me. Usually because he's....well, broken the law.

And what is the purpose of this here manifesto? In a nutshell (why in a nutshell by the way?), to impart my thoughts, life experiences, loves, hates, challenges, triumphs, failures, and anything else I can think of to ramble on about to my two boys. Not so much a recap of their childhood events (their mother does a great job of documenting that), but instead a set of lessons and musings that I hope they will one day read and learn what it is that makes up their old man.

I'll wrap this introductory post so as not to use up my words. As if that was ever a concern with me. Speechless, I am not often.

For now...let's leave it at the fact that you boys are the pride of my life and this is my gift to you. Although I'm sure you'd have rather had a pony.

Headline from "Who Are You" by The Who, 1978