I Love...Little Girls

Let me set the scene. I had just finished reading with Seth..."There's a Wocket in my Pocket". A literary gem. We turned off the light for quiet time and laid there silently for a minute. Seth breaks the silence by saying "I love girls." "Which girls?" I ask inquisitively. "All the girls," Seth responds. So I take a second to process this revelation and ask him "Why do you love all the girls?" He answers, "They give me hearts in my eyes and in my chest." Holy smokes...my four-year-old just hit puberty.

And so begins the journey, my son. You will spend the rest of your life trying to please these creatures called girls. You'll also spend the rest of your life trying to figure them out. Don't. You can't. They are not like us. They don't think like us, they don't talk like us, they surely don't rationalize like us. They do smell really good though. Therein lies the rub. Once you get the bug, there's no turning back. You'll plan your day around girls. You'll make decisions where to attend college based on girls. You'll get in fights over girls. You'll pull your hair out over girls. You'll stay at a crummy job because of the girls. You'll pick out your car based on which one will most help you get girls. You'll someday smash a cell phone because of girls.

They do smell really good though.

Headline from "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo, 1981

And It Was All Yellow

This morning Seth wakes me up and before firing up the TV says "C'mon Dad, let's pee at the same time." And a blog topic was born. As you most probably know by the time you read this, boys pee standing up. Girls, sitting down. God made it this way because we men don't have time to waste coppin' a squat to pee. We have things to do...places to be. For example, go to any sporting event and check out the line for the ladies' room. No...not acceptable. Hence the creation of the pee trough. We men take a place at the pee trough and get down to business. Remember the rules of the pee trough: 1) Never let arms touch with the guy next to you. 2) Never get caught sizing up the competition. 3) Farting is not only accepted, but encouraged.

You'll never be more thankful for the ability to pee standing up than you will at any street festival. Let's face it...as nasty as us guys can be, those porta-potties are just foul. Another perk is the ability to write your name in the snow. Chicks simply can't pull this one off. We kept your names to four letters each to maximize your ability to sign your name on command. We almost considered naming one of you boys Sebastian. You would have needed a Big Gulp for that one.

So as I stood next to you this morning, being men, I made a mental note to impart the cardinal rule of sharing a bowl. Never, and I mean never, let your streams cross. You know what happened in Ghostbusters.


Headline from "Yellow" by Coldplay, 2000