The First Cut is the Deepest

Sunday is a day I won't soon forget. Seth...You took a spill down the stairs at Miss Jodie's house and split a big gash in your cheek. It was nasty. Mom & Jodie took you to the emergency room and I drove like a madman down from our house. When I got there I wasn't prepared for what I saw. You were screaming in pain as three people were trying to hold you down while the doctor gave you shots on the cut to numb it. Oh man...not my boy. I tried to console you and assure you that this would be over soon but the combination of fear and pain was too strong for you to calm down. I laid down across your body to help hold you down. I held your hands and urged you to squeeze them as hard as you could. Take it out on me. I'll take all the pain you want to transfer to me. That's what a dad does. It took forever, or so it seemed. I can say without reservation that this was one of the more horrible experiences I have ever had in my life. You'll understand it one day when you have kids of your own. Their pain is your pain. Your pain was most certainly my pain. The doctor finally got you stitched up. My story from here on out will be that it was my piercing glare at the doctor that got him to do such a good job. It was a “Sew my son's face wrong and I'll rip your throat out” stare. Your dad can tend to be a bit intense in these situations.

You came through it like a trooper. A sweaty, exhausted trooper, but a trooper nonetheless. By the next morning you had your strength back and except for the black eye and swelling seemed to be your old self. Gonna take more than that to slow you down. Plus I think it sank in that chicks dig scars.

In the scheme of your life this event will prove insignificant more than likely. You will have so many things that are more important and unfortunately, sometimes more painful. But to me, it's something that will stay with me. I can't describe the feeling in any way except “Please God, make it stop.” I love you, my son, with all that I am. Always will, unconditionally. Scars and all.

Headline from "The First Cut is the Deepest" by Rod Stewart, 1977 (originally by Cat Stevens, 1967)

And I am lost, and I can't even say why

Each day gets a little closer to normal life. The realization now that my business will survive and I will continue to be able to provide for my family is a reassurance that was missing four weeks ago. I'm still struggling to balance work, family, health and all of the many, many pressures of daily life. But I'm getting there. I think.

I want so much for you guys. Your success in life, however that is defined, is of utmost importance to me as I'm sure it is to your Mom. Sage...you got your second round of vaccinations yesterday and man, they hurt didn't they? Your pain is our pain. If I could take those shots for you I would without hesitating. Seth...my wise, oh so insightful, keep me on my toes, amazing son...you're trying hard to find your way. I see it. Keep working and you'll see incredible results. This world can be a challenging one. One that sometimes kicks you square in the teeth. But it can also afford you highs that make those occasional kicks tolerable. You have the world before you. Grab it. So few actually do.

I'm trying to grab it myself. I've never been one to settle. Settling is for the weak. Yes, my bar is set high. But I don't want to be the guy who accepts what life hands me. Nope. I'm taking what I can and reaching for what I'm told that I can't have. Don't let others define what you can have and what you cannot. They don't know what you're capable of and those statements come from their own fears.

Occasionally in life you both will feel lost. It's OK to feel this way as long as you keep your map open. (Maps are what we used to use to find our way before GPS.) You'll need to refer to it often to keep yourself on track. Don't lose sight of your destination. Many obstacles will try to block the path to your goals but obstacles are meant to be overcome. They are merely tests put before us to make sure we appreciate the destination once we get there.

Headline from "I Am, I Said" by Neil Diamond, 1971

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane

It's been a while in between posts. The reason is that our world got turned upside down starting on September 11th. That was the day we packed up and headed to Dallas to escape the potential wrath of a hurricane named Ike. At the time, my thought was "We'll probably lose power and it might be really windy and scare the kids...so let's skip out of town." Well, as it turned out, Ike slammed right into Houston creating more than just a little wind. In a nutshell, it sucked. Yeah, it really sucked. We lost power at home fro 16 days. 16 days. Not something I'd like to do again. Ike was kind enough to tear the roof off your Dad's business and we came back to find about four inches of water on the floor and the place smelling like a sewer. It was some kind of month. I can honestly say that I have never worked so hard, under so much pressure. It was the first time I can remember not being in control of a situation. Some insight...I don't do well in those situations. But we got through it, all of us. Your mom did a great job taking care of you guys and leaving me to deal with what I had on my plate. We're not done yet...we're still rebuilding the chocolate company and it'll be a few more weeks until things return to normal there. But we're getting there.

Amidst the destruction, turmoil, frustration, anxiety, stress, and hopelessness of the situation we found ourselves in, I was amazed at the sense of community that I saw especially amongst our neighbors. Everyone went out of their way to help each other. It was one of those things that restores your faith in your fellow man. In times of adversity we can still come together. There is hope after all.

I hope we never again have to go through anything like this. I underestimated it and I don't do that often. I will tell you this...if there's a next time...guess which family is gonna have the kick-ass hurricane preparedness kit on the block. You guessed it.

Headline from "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions, 1984

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

As I write this, we are in Dallas as a result of Hurricane Ike's uninvited arrival in Houston. Sage, this is your first evacuation and it is your brother's second one. We had to do this back in 2005 due to Hurricane Rita which luckily veered away from Houston and spared the city. Ike is not being so kind. It's beating up our city as I sit here writing this.

We got here two days ago and it's been a bit of a challenge. You guys are doing your best but it's hard to be holed up in a hotel room, I know. Yesterday we went to the site where President John F. Kennedy was shot and killed. Seth, you are too young to understand the magnitude of this right now but it was a terrible, terrible event in American history. This was the first time I have seen this infamous area and it was surreal for me to be there. I hope there is a day in the future when people don't feel the need to kill each other for whatever "cause" they think they are furthering. I fear this will not be the case, but there is always hope that we can pull together as a society and simply exist peacefully one day.

As the hurricane makes it way through Houston it is heading north but will weaken a lot. Yes, where we are right now is North and we are expecting ugly weather here as well. Nothing like what Houston is getting hit with but let's just say we won't be playing outside this weekend. Hopefully we can head back home in the next couple of days and things will be as good as possible when we return. "Things" can be replaced...houses, cars, computers...it's the really important things in life that we need to protect and mourn their loss. That is precisely why we are here right now. You boys and your mother are the irreplaceable things in my life and the only ones that I will fight to the death to protect. The rest we can fix.

I love the three of you. And even though I'm not always the best in situations like these, never doubt my unconditional love for you. I'm far from perfect, but my love for you is unwavering.

Dad

Headline from "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan, 1963

So make the best of this test and don't ask why... it's not a question but a lesson learned in time

Yesterday was a good day Seth. I know you have it in you. You know you are capable of it. You have talents and a sense of deep understanding at such a young age... it's staggering to think what you'll be able to accomplish if you set your mind to it.

We read a book last night and laughed out loud. I told you my infamous Indian Guides' kite story and you listened intently.

This morning I mentioned that one of the locations on Dora the Explorer's route, "The Winter Palace" in Russia was a place that your mother and I have been to. You asked if you were there and I responded "No, that was before you were born." Your response... "I was in your eye," referring to the expression "a glimmer in my eye" I've said to you before. You proceeded to make my vegetable juice for me. Something you should probably be at least 5 before you start doing...but what the heck.

Today you made me smile.

Headline from "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day, 1997

Even after everything you put me through... I still believe in you

Dear Seth,

We're going through a tough time, son. You're striving to define yourself in this world and in the process you're stumbling some. As your dad, this has been very difficult on me. I am trying my best to instill in you the qualities, morals, and beliefs that I think will help you later in life. I didn't get them when I was your age and it hurt me. I so don't want to hurt you the same way. I know you have the capacity to achieve anything. You are so much stronger than I was at your age. You have the inner qualities that will take you wherever you want to go in life. People naturally gravitate to you. That is a trait that you either have or you don't. You have it.

I'm suffering inside because I feel like I am failing you. You mean everything to me and your success is so much more important than my own. I will sacrifice whatever I need to to ensure you do not falter. You're that important to me.

We will try some new ideas in the coming weeks. I'm not losing you boy. No retreat baby, no surrender.

The headline above is from a man named Robert Hazard, who wrote the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" back in the 80's for Cyndi Lauper. Robert Hazard died on Tuesday of this week. I thought the heartfelt lyrics to his song posted below were especially poignant in light of his passing.

I love you Seth.

Dad

Headline from "I Still Believe In You" by Robert Hazard, 2007

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking

Pressure in life comes in many forms. There is the pressure of providing for your family financially. There is also the daily pressure of trying to make a business successful. Keeping a marriage happy and healthy... more pressure, thank you. Raising kids in a scary, scary world. Pressure with an extra scoop of stress.

So what are we to do? How does a person cope will all of the pressure and stresses that are thrown our way on a daily basis? Well, I wish I had an easy answer for that one. My only advice is to stay as grounded as possible. By that, I mean doing what you are capable of, setting realistic expectations and keeping focused on the big picture. "Wow, Dad...that's a lot of cliches!"

This has been an especially stressful period in my life from a number of areas. I have to focus on you guys and your mom and stay on track with the things I'm trying to do with my business. You'll need to do the same kind of introspective focusing when life hands you more than you think you can handle. It doesn't. Life gives you what you CAN handle. There are always going to be obstacles, but it is the way you deal with them - the way you overcome adversity that will define you.

I'm reading my words as I write them. I know these things to be true but that doesn't make it any easier when it feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. My main purpose for keeping this journal for you guys is to teach you some life lessons. That doesn't mean that your Dad doesn't have a thing or two to still learn. By giving you this guidance I also come away learning something. And that's a good thing.

Headline from "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie, 1981

Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing. Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

It's been an eventful three weeks which hopefully explains the lack of entries. Sage Logan Wayne joined our family on June 12th and now we are a foursome. Our family is complete! It was quite an entry you made, boy. Couldn't have waited another week like we had planned, huh? I guess that'll teach us not to include your input in future planning meetings.

It's taking some time for us all to get adjusted and I think given the circumstances we're all performing remarkably well. Sage, you are amazing. You exude a peaceful calm that finds its way into me whenever I look at you. You are truly a miracle. I know this "break-in" period has been rough in spots, but you are handling it like a pro.

Seth, my wiser-than-wise partner in crime. You make me proud to be your father. You are handling the rigors of being a four-year-old while at the same time showing a sense of love and compassion for your new brother that is far, far beyond your years. Never lose that sensitivity. It will take you anywhere you want to go in life. But it's still good to have a little Bad Boy in you though.

My beautiful wife...wow. You have been a rock. I marvel at how you have been handling the demands on you. I could stare for hours at the way you look at Sage. The absolute definition of unconditional love personified. Thank you for what you bring to my life and to our family.

So now we are complete. And we begin this journey together to see where life takes the Wayne family. Knowing the four of us, it won't be an uneventful one. Are you guys ready? I know I am...with my Dream Team at my side. I love you all more than any blog post could ever begin to express.

Headline from "Thank You Lord" by Bob Marley, 1973


(NOT Bob Marley in the video, if you weren't sure...)

And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.

Welcome to the world, my son. It's a better one today with you in it.

I Love...Little Girls

Let me set the scene. I had just finished reading with Seth..."There's a Wocket in my Pocket". A literary gem. We turned off the light for quiet time and laid there silently for a minute. Seth breaks the silence by saying "I love girls." "Which girls?" I ask inquisitively. "All the girls," Seth responds. So I take a second to process this revelation and ask him "Why do you love all the girls?" He answers, "They give me hearts in my eyes and in my chest." Holy smokes...my four-year-old just hit puberty.

And so begins the journey, my son. You will spend the rest of your life trying to please these creatures called girls. You'll also spend the rest of your life trying to figure them out. Don't. You can't. They are not like us. They don't think like us, they don't talk like us, they surely don't rationalize like us. They do smell really good though. Therein lies the rub. Once you get the bug, there's no turning back. You'll plan your day around girls. You'll make decisions where to attend college based on girls. You'll get in fights over girls. You'll pull your hair out over girls. You'll stay at a crummy job because of the girls. You'll pick out your car based on which one will most help you get girls. You'll someday smash a cell phone because of girls.

They do smell really good though.

Headline from "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo, 1981